it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
