It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
