We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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