I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
