My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
