lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
