Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
