I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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