We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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