Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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