Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Randomize
