Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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