Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
