Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
