How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
