Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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