This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
