When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
FUCK WHALES
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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