nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
