He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
