She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
