If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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