I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
