I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
