i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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