He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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