What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
