listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
