New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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