I'd wear matching sweaters with you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
