I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
