Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
