Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
