Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
