i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
