Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
