i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
