If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
