I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
