just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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