he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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