I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
