new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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