I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
