he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
