You can't special order awesome
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is the high leading the old right now
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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