Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
