hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
farters have to be the big spoon...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
