I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
