She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
