Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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