i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
