I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
