chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Two words: nipple clamps
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