The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found the puke drawer
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
