Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
