EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
